Saturday, February 13, 2010

what can i say?

okay, this feels so completely out of character. i don't facebook (my friends update my "status" and add pictures more than i do); i don't twitter (or as my dad says, i have never twatted); i am not prompt with emails (unless i happen to be sitting at my computer at the very moment i receive your email); BUT (it was coming, right?) i journal. i suppose journals are and should be far more personal than blogs, however the similarities are they both seem to attract thoughts worth preserving. thoughts too big or wonderful or sad to keep to yourself.
let me rewind a little....the part of me who is - and quite likes - being counter culture has been known to say, "i will never kiss a boy" (i did); "i will never have sex" (i have a baby now); "i will NOT get a cell phone" (i have an iPhone - albeit a hand me down); "blog?!?! are you crazy?" (and look at me now). i just never thought i had anything worth saying among all the other soundbytes out there. it's all been said, right?
but this morning i woke up, sticky eyed and sleepy, with words i read last night still playing themselves forward and back through my head. and i wanted to share them. i don't, by the way, recommend staying up til 2 am when you have an infant who wakes up before dawn....but i did. i stayed up finishing belong to me by marisa de los santos. i had one of those experiences that is so hugely universal but feels, at that moment, made uniquely for you...or me in this case. i wanted other people to know, "look! this is how it feels! how i feel!" and it felt too big and important to keep to myself (and my very sleepy husband who grunted and fell back asleep when i read it to him). of course i am not the only mom in the world who has been touched by the miracle and wonder of her most perfect baby, but marisa de los santos seemed to be writing for me. when i read what i will share in a bit i wanted to shout, "yes! YES!! that's IT!!" from the proverbial rooftops and add a little jig of my own.

i picked up belong to me a few weeks ago not remembering i had read love walked in a year or so ago. as soon as i started, though, i remembered how much i truly loved love walked in and that i had in fact read it. you know how they (the ubiquitous they) say, "a picture's worth a thousand words?" well sometimes i think words create a thousand pictures. marisa de los santos writes in a way that creates vivid touchable REAL pictures for me. i am an artist, so it's not a stretch for me to think visually as i am armed with pictures long before the words come, so reading a book that is so satisfactorily visual and palpable is near holy to me. so much so that i take a day or two to mourn when the book is over. so since i am in mourning and not quite ready to let this book go, here are the words that prompted me to start a blog today, on a very regular saturday...
That evening, when we got back to the hospital, Teo ran into a radiologist he knew from New York, and I made my way to Miranda and Toby's room alone. As I walked in, I heard a shower running and saw Toby sitting on Miranda's otherwise empty bed, his back to me...."Toby! What is it? Something's happened to Jasper?"
But Jasper was there, in Toby's arms, hatless and perplexed and adorable, and Toby was wiping his own wet face with the corner of his blanket.
"Jasper's great," said Toby. "I just..." He broke off.
"Tobe?" I sat down next to him on the bed. "Honey? Is it Miranda?"
He shook his head. Without taking his eyes off his baby, he said in a hoarse voice, "It's just that this, right here: this room, this day, Jasper. This is my life."
"Oh, Toby. It's a lot to take in. It makes sense that you're feeling overwhelmed."
He smiled at me. "But that's the thing. I'm not"
"You're not?"
"I mean, yeah, it's big. It's colossal. But I get it. I belong right where I am. That's an amazing feeling....I'm Jasper's dad, and it's like that's who I was all this time, but I didn't know it because he wasn't born yet."
"And now he's here," I said, softly....
"And now you're here," said Toby. He was talking to his son.
perfect words. i am toby in this picture. if you ever stumble across this blog, marisa de los santos, thank you.


  1. Hooray! I get to be the very first person EVER to leave a comment on your new blog! The world wide web just stepped up a creative notch with the addition of your amazing, original, brilliant artwork that will appear in this space. So excited to see what creativity will flow from your sunny corner of the world! Love you to pieces, sis!

  2. How did I get so lucky to have 2 such incredibly talented daughters! It will be fun seeing what unfolds here.