why adoption matters...(to me)

it's been sooooooo long since i posted a blog that it seems almost pointless to pick it back up. and given that i don't even know who or if anyone reads this blog, it seems funny to put something like this out there.

josh, caleb, and i just brought home our second son/brother: cole linden. there was no labor involved, we just had to wait a month and a half from the day he was born to actually hold him and count those fingers and toes. they're all there too! cole's place in our family is unique and extremely special because he is adopted. caleb is no less special - in fact i am seeing something come out in him lately that is so utterly wonderful and not OF me, his own sweet, playful, curious, and humorous spirit...but cole, well, he is the fulfillment of a dream for me. since i was very young i decided i wanted to adopt.  i don't exactly know when, but i do know i was wayyy too young to be a mom, but somehow i knew i wanted to adopt. i used to say i wanted one from every major nationality - asian, latino, african, european... i used to say i wanted my own model UN. so it came as a surprise to me when we were floored - i mean really put in our place - by the domestic program at gladney. when we first went up there and heard the panel of very young birth moms talk about their adoption plans, i was convicted. they were so brave. so courageous to do this life altering thing and then try to go back to their normal (mostly) teenage lives. we were hooked.

and almost 2 years later (or really, 20 some odd year later), cole has come into our lives...right where he was meant to be. again...floored. cole was born for me...for US. and i am so sure of that as i watch him balled up on his daddy's broad chest, more peaceful than i can ever remember being. i am sure because when i took him in my arms for the first time, he nestled right in and quieted.  he looked at us with his little old man eyes turned up and sighed. finally...he seemed to say...it's you guys.

there are many who have not totally understood our decision to adopt. quite a few people have said (with that side long look you get when someone else thinks they already have the answer...you know, we've all done it), "you want to adopt even though you can have your OWN children?" and sometimes i have gotten this response like, "wow, you're so noble." i tell you, it's not about that. not at all. i am not noble. it's just about this thing beating inside of me, a pulse i have always had to feel enormous love for children. and that too is not really because of something in me...it's because of something in THEM. the children i mean. they are so lovable. and they DESERVE to be loved. and that's why adoption matters to me. because this little guy, our little guy deserves to be loved and we can give it to him. at least we can give our very best version of human love to him, i am sure of that.

i must add how very awed i feel by our birth mom too. because really, her love for cole surpasses all. she had enough to say i know what you need and i know it's out there and i'm gonna do my best to find it for you. i think she gave colie olie enough love from the moment of his birth to get him safely and wholly to us 6 weeks later. {thank you}

as we get to know cole a little bit better each day, i am growing another heart. one for each of my boys!